Aaargghh...
too many negative emotions tonight.
Look how unstable i am.

This is the fragile side of me which people had no idea of.

*wink*

Marriage?

People around me keep talking about marriage.

Err...commitment seems scary to me.
I'm scared to get married.

Seriously, i don't give a damn about marriage.
Honestly, i am a normal woman.
I do have feeling.
I do want to be loved and to love.
I do want to have partners.

But...thinking of it...
Daunting.

I'm not ready for marriage.
I'm way far from matured.
I'm not matured enough to think about marriage.
I don't deserve to be married with anyone.

I've been tangled by my past.
I can't forgive myself for behaved that way.

People don't know me.
I'm the only one who knows myself the best, beside Allah.
People do have high expectations on me.
They expect me to raised as an educated and proper kid.
People around me including my family...
expecting me enjoyed my childhood...
I do a lot of bad and nasty things...
beyond acceptance.

You won't forgive me for what I did back then.
No one will forgive me.
I'm ashamed.

Look, i don't want to pretend to be someone
who is kind, pious, educated....
when in fact, deep within me...i'm evil.
I don't deserve any kindness.
I don't deserve kind people.

I'll try my best

I don't have something worthwhile to be contributed.
I lack of skills.

I try my best.
I'll try my best to do something.

I'll try my best to be a good listener.
Listen to people's problems.
That's all i could do.

I'll try my best to offer them solutions.
I'll try my best to comfort them.

I'm responsible for the things happens to my youngest sister.

I can't forgive myself for being so stupid.
I can't forgive myself for being THAT stupid.
Why i was so stupid back then??
O God, please forgive me.

I need to bring her back.
I'm responsible for this mess.
I must bring her back.
I will bring her back.
I promise i'll bring her back.
I promise!!

Dear sister,
I shouldn't have done that back then.
I'm so sorry.
I love you so much.
I can't stand watching you suffer alone.
You endure the loneliness for a lengthy period of time.
 and now...you are almost clinically introverted.

Please forgive me for being such an ignorance sister.
I'll talk to you.
I'll share everything with you.
I'll make you laugh again.
I'll take the loneliness away from you
cause I love you sooo much.

I know the feeling of being lonely.
It's painful.
You want to talk yet you have no one to be talked to.
You want to let everything out yet no one listen to you.
You're always misunderstood
and...our family would never understand you...
as i did.
Because i do feel the same as u did in my adolescent phase.

I can't afford watching you deteriorating inside.

Back then...
You're a smart, bright, cheerful, playful, funny.
but something ripped them away from you.
You turned to a shy, rebellious, hot-tempered,  
moody and lonely.
I miss the old you.
Don't get me wrong.
My love for you deepened day by day.
It's just that I don't know how to express my love.
Back then I don't understand why is it matters to be sympathetic and emphatic.
I don't get it why is it crucial to express our affection.

Clearly my dear sister.
You need affection, love and to be listened.

I'll try my best.
I'll bring you back.

I'll put the blame on myself.
You did that things because i introduced you to them.
I'm the one that taught you how to eliminate the loneliness...
and then there you are, uncontrollable...you misuse them.
I should have told you how to use them.
I shouldn't have taught you how to use them.
Right now, i feels like i'm the mastermind.
I'm the one who taught her to do that...
and then, went hiding.

I understand you, sister.
I nearly do the same thing as you did now.
Thanks God. I controlled them.

God, please.
Please, stop others from uttering a single word about this no more.
Stop others from gossiping about this.
Let my sister move on.
God, I want to help her to move on.
Please let me.
Give me a chance, dear God.
I love my sister so much.

Exhausted

I'm tired of being belittled.
I'm tired when the teachers kept looking down on me.

I'm in the environment where the people keep looking down on me.

I've been belittle since i was in primary school.
Back then i was labelled as a 'slow learner' (yes, i was a slow learner at that time).
I was labelled as slow student who wouldn't give any benefit to the school.
I wouldn't be selected in any kind of activities or competition.
Yes, I admit because a t that time...
I don't possess any skills,
I am in my own world.
I create my own world in my mind
where people recognize me...
where i possess a lot of skills...
but the reality is...
i never score an A in mathematics in primary school.  

Oh, should i mention here...
I was also being bullied in primary school.
.Mentally.  
No one want to be my friend.
I had no friend in primary school.
Who wants to be a friend with a slow learner?
Not to mention where my teacher humiliated me in front of straight As students.
She said, " I thought you were smart "
Being called stupid by my mum. (my mom did that unintentionally. she' s just too tired and too angry at that time. but...still...deep down....*sobbing*)
Being called bengong (idiot) by my friend for asking why we shouldn't waters plant in a hot day.
I hate my childhood.  

i still remember, when i was in secondary school...
i was humiliated by my mum in front of my relatives.
she directly told them that i'm a slow learner.
not only my mum..but my whole family.
i had no motivation at all.
at that time, i felt like i don't belong there.
i tend to keep everything by myself.

How all of these affected me??
I'm scared if i would labelled as weak.
i hate to express my sadness.
crying in front of others is stupid things to do.
I'm scared if i couldn't score in my examination.
Being a top scorer in university examination is the only thing i could afford
to be recognized by others.
I hate to be belittled. (of course everyone do)
i easily feel challenged.
i lack of sympathy and empathy.

daddadadadaaaaa...........

Rummaging around to find momentum

Deep down in my heart, 

I want to cry. 

I'm envious of others. 

They possess something which i can't. 

Not about luxury or being rich. 

Not about physical possession. 

I'm envious how people can push themselves, 

until they own a ruling passion.  

which i have no idea what on earth is my passion, 

i hate it, 

I live my life based on people's direction, 

they told to do this and that. 

I know... 

They want the best for me, 

but i can't make up my own mind about what i'm into.  

Some of my friends love to write.  

They write novels, short stories and also comics. 

They even know how to draw.    

One of my friend love to baking and crafting. 

They have a clear goals in their mind.  

Me? 

I know how to draw. 

It's different when you just know how to do something

and be really good at it. 

Considering myself to be good in drawing is an insult to artists. 

Honestly, i can draw and quite...love to draw..

but not sure my excitement is not enough 

or i'm just loses a momentum.  

loses a stamina and energy. 

Writing? Seems like i suffer a permanent mental block. 

I can't even write a simple sentence.  

Writing a sentence with a beautiful language, proper 

vocabulary and grammar are mind boggling. 

When i'm 12 year-old... 

i tried to write. I wrote stories... 

but people making fun of my stories. 

then i quit. I thought i had no talent in writing. 

I love to imagine plot or story line in my mind, 

but my mind went numb when i try to write. 

Crafting? My hand as hard as a wood.  

Then the craft went messy.   

When i was a kid, i love to do hand-craft. 

but.....not anymore.  

I loved the feeling when my friends asking me to do the craft on their bookcover. 

I still remember, i loved the feeling when the teacher compliment your creativity. 

right now, that is the most boring activity to be done.  

I easily lose patience when dealing with activities which need to be scrutinize 

and take a lot of time. 

For sure, i love baking and cooking. 

but not sure how far this passion will lead me to. 

No title. Just a random stuff.

It has been a a year and half since i updated my last post on blog.
Well, it seems like writing and blogging had turned me off.

and...here i am. in UM. University of Malaya.
The so-called as the best university in Malaysia. (well...duhh)
Trust me, there's nothing "wow" here.
well...i'm not sure.

I write this post with nothing in my mind.
I had no idea what busied me lately.
I had no idea if i did things right.
I had no idea if i put my effort enough to complete things.
I had no idea if i put enough effort to improve myself.
Seems like i learn no skills here.
I didn't take a chance to improve my skills.
I had no idea what i am looking for.

I'm still searching.
My passion...something i could attach to.
I don't have any.
People will just laughing at me by reading this.

Deep down...it's so complicated and complex.
I wonder how to minimize the complexities.

I always asking myself,
how on earth others found the exit from comfort zone circle.
How am i going to step out from my comfort zone?
I'm scare to try everything.
If i let this continue then i'll have no chance to improve myself...
and to see life in a different dimension
to see life in a deeper horizon
to feel life profoundly.

What has gotten into me?
Why i am so scare?
What scares me so greatly?

Then....puffff!

Ok, while writing this...
something popped out from my mind,
I need to step out from comfort zone.
That's it.

Don't talk too much.
Stop whining.
Stop complaining.

Do your job.
Do what you should do.

Then..."What's the point you wrote this??"

Me : Nothing.