Marriage?

People around me keep talking about marriage.

Err...commitment seems scary to me.
I'm scared to get married.

Seriously, i don't give a damn about marriage.
Honestly, i am a normal woman.
I do have feeling.
I do want to be loved and to love.
I do want to have partners.

But...thinking of it...
Daunting.

I'm not ready for marriage.
I'm way far from matured.
I'm not matured enough to think about marriage.
I don't deserve to be married with anyone.

I've been tangled by my past.
I can't forgive myself for behaved that way.

People don't know me.
I'm the only one who knows myself the best, beside Allah.
People do have high expectations on me.
They expect me to raised as an educated and proper kid.
People around me including my family...
expecting me enjoyed my childhood...
I do a lot of bad and nasty things...
beyond acceptance.

You won't forgive me for what I did back then.
No one will forgive me.
I'm ashamed.

Look, i don't want to pretend to be someone
who is kind, pious, educated....
when in fact, deep within me...i'm evil.
I don't deserve any kindness.
I don't deserve kind people.